softening

I had fallen into an energy rut I suppose you could call it. I was banging my head against life's proverbial wall, as I knew that I was to spend this month in Washington integrating the many lessons and wisdom gathered over these past few years. Yet my focus was hazy and the execution of this daunting project eluded me. I spent my first week here adjusting by doing what I knew best which involved cooking, crafting, meditating and hanging out with the sweet, elderly husky that I am caretaking. All while fretting over the fact that I had yet to write anything pertaining to this venture that spirit had clearly told me about. Looking back I see how I needed this space and time to do these activities that may culturally be deemed unproductive to get to a space where I am able to write.

Finally one morning I asked spirit out loud for focus and guidance in this integration project / process as the hopelessness was setting in. Maybe not quite hopelessness, but more of a floundering feeling, an inability to ground myself and do this work. After another afternoon of knitting and crafting I decided I had had enough and that I needed to get fully into my body, so I decided to smoke a bit of cannabis. 

Cannabis has been an herb that I have worked with off and on for many years of my life, with most of them as a recreational escape. The past several years this has changed into a more intentional ingestion of her medicine as I have embraced animism, the understanding that everything has a soul or spirit. This initially looked like working with her when I was painting, as she almost always served me well in this context. A while back I finally journeyed to the spirit of this plant and what was shared blew me away. She said that she shows one their true path and helps one along its way. At first I was a bit confused as the stereotype of the zoned out, stationary stoner came to mind. But then I realized that this was the shadow side of her medicine, if one is using her recreationally without any respect to her spirit that this is what can manifest. However when one is working with her intentionally she can really lead us on our path. For myself she has been the most powerful medicine for me to really get into my body, as I will immediately feel drawn to put down whatever it is I am doing to begin moving my body whether through yoga and dance or practicing self massage and acupressure. She creates a space for me to practice self care. 

So getting back to that day, I smoked some cannabis that I had mixed with a meditation smoke blend (damiana is also an herb that I will mix with her) and went out onto the porch under the rising, almost full moon in Aquarius. I began to do a series of gentle salutations to the moon, breathing in the cool night air. I then bowed into child's pose with my head towards her light and suddenly began to sob as my forehead rested upon the ground. Nothing in the way of human stories was attached to this release of pent up energy at first, all that I heard was the word Soften, over and over again. So I did, I softened into the ground, and felt a series of deep releases of tension in my shoulders that I had never experienced before. I cried this tension out of my body for a good 10 minutes or so, softening and releasing. At one point I saw these energies releasing from my spinal cord and moving into the moon's ambient light. I got the sense that  these were traumas that I had been holding onto for a long time. A new wave of clarity overtook me as I understood that if I was not able to completely let go and fully trust myself in this vulnerable place in my own body that I would never be able to fully trust and build deep relationships with others. As there would always be this tense, holding on that would interrupt the free flow of energy between us. And I could expand this wisdom into the greater world, because if I am able to  release and soften I will be able to move in this world with more grace and openness. In some traditional cultures a medicine person will ask when their patient stopped dancing, as this is the moment of trauma that must be healed for one to return to health. I don't remember when I stopped dancing, but I have started to dance again after many years of self reflection, healing therapies, journaling and acceptance.

It was after this experience that the words began to form in my mind of what I was to write and how it would be presented to the world. A dam of old doubts, worries and baggage disintegrated, allowing this first entry to take shape.

As I continue to pursue my life's work of healing and art, natural movement is becoming a larger piece of this journey. I don't know exactly how this will manifest but I do know that it is an integral part of healing ourselves and in doing so our communities and the world. I welcome your insights and stories of moving through space on this planet.